Dance! - The Road to Heavies: lesson 57, March 13, 2015. Nerves... Nerves...
When we open up the doors to the room where we normally practice, it is filled to the max with music instruments, amplifiers and microphones. We go to another room, where it feels a bit chilly and the floor is made out of some kind of bad plywood., covered with lacquer. That makes for an extremely slippery floor, but the positive side to this story is that a large part of the wall is covered with a mirror.
Warming up goes allright, but I quickly notice how much more slippy this floor is on my soft-shoes. The soles of those shoes have been polished by now because of all the dirt that has been squashed underneath them near the toes, which really limits the amount of grip I have.
When dancing the Reel, I just quickly quit. I have far too little grip and I'm constantly trying to avoid going down. I put on my sneakers and try to continue. But no. The nerves get to me and where my shoes were the reason I first stopped dancing, I now stop because I start to think, which makes me forget the steps.
Big part of my nerves is the fact I have to dance in front of 4 other dancers on my own. Part 2 is I only now get to hear the starting moment. Though the last 3 bars in the music really provide a great point on when to start, I hate it when I just stand there on a stage without doing anything and can only stare in the distance.
I'd rather walk to the center of the group in the rhythm of the last 8 bars to then start my dance... Ah well, perfectionism...
When I try a third time and I already mess up halfway through, I decide to shut up shop. I'm angry and not by little means. Jumping (in anger) I leave the room and start wandering around in the big hall, alone with my thoughts.
One of my classmates later asks where the problem lies in, as the steps sure can't be the problem. And she's right, the steps aren't the problem. I feel like I've danced the Reel a million times by now. My nerves, the tension and a lot of private problems are bothering me and it's just a bit too much to take in all at once. I find it a pity I didn't leave the room in a bit more controlled manner, but at least I made it pretty clear this way I do not want to be disturbed.
I'm offered a fourth attempt and I take that offer, but when one of my classmates takes my place by my complete surprise, I don't even want to think about saying or doing anything about that. I doubt whether I should be even attempting to perform this Sunday.
I won't be performing in the end when I get a migraine late Saturdaynight. Even though I had so much doubts, I do feel like a failure and wanted to be there performing.