I didn't practice for a whole week. I didn't even think about the steps. 4 days straight I felt so sick that I was glad when I was lying in bed. That's why it surprises me the most that I dance the Beginners Reel without any problem and I mess up the Single Jig only halfway through.

That's the moment the teacher says that taking part in a competition probably isn't the best idea for me. The pressure of being on stage and all the people watching, no one knows if I will be able to put up with that.
Nice! She probably tries to bring this as positive criticism, but that's not how it feels at that moment.

Getting a hold on the frustration

But it is the truth though. When I forget a step, I stop dancing, shout or I stamp the floor with my shoes loudly. That's new to me because I didn't have that problem in Haarlem. I would dance on, allthough it did took some effort. Completely new is that I'm really angry at those moments. I'm fed up with dancing for a while. Not so long ago I was angry as well, but I would take a deep breath and try again.

There are people looking.... and thus I get nervous

Why can't I just find courage to apply for a Feis and dance there!? I wanted to tell my teacher to sign me up last week, as dancing with the camera-crew in front of me went flawless. Having some idea of the amount of viewers that program has, I expected to be extremely nervous and to mess up, but I didn't.

Now, things go wrong during danceclass itself. When I need to dance and the rest looks on, I feel that I get nervous. How is that possible!? I did not experience any of it in The Hague and Haarlem.

The only positive thought for this day is how easy I can move in my heavy shoes. My toes aren't causing trouble anymore and I'm not in pain. With a small inner laugh I look how one of the girls is taking care of one blister after the other, a weekly-repeated ritual.

• Lesson 38, September 19, 2014. That's all!?
• Lesson 40, October 3, 2014. Doubts and a surprise

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