Dance! - The Road to Heavies: lesson 25. Date unknown: Quitting...
Not a great start of the day...
Now I leave home for The Hague for the fourth time, I already notice something bad in the morning. The fun to get out of bed is gone.
I could ignore this feeling a few times ago and after 30 minutes and breakfast I was positive and making my way to dance-class. Now, I can't get over the feeling that this starts to take its load out on me. The 2 hours it takes to get there and the 2 hours of travel to get back home wreck me, as much as I like to see a different ending to it. I know my stamina is a problem, but lack the energy to do something about it. Every day, not only right after dance-class, I'm completely exhausted.
An extra mental blow
Besides that, the mental blow I got hit me hard. I haven't accepted yet that I'm back to square one and have to start all over again. An extra mental blow are my heavy shoes. Getting to know and being able to do something on them, is so much tougher than I thought it would be.
I got them with me for the first time now, to at least try and see how far I can go.
I broke 'em in at work and did do some practice as well, but I don't think that helped much. It just takes so much strength! I can do an awful lot on my socks, but once I put my heavies on, I can barely stand up straight, let alone dancing.
After getting up on my toes from resting my heels on the floor and back down on my heels, the pain is huge and the only thing I'm after is taking the shoes off.
The drop that spills...
Steps on soft-shoe are still a mess. The teacher tries to get me to continue, but I really can't take any more. I'm wrecked. My legs are shaking and when I do something wrong again right before we change shoes, I lose it. I feel a great urge to just put my heavies on and kick an extra crack in the mirror.
I go outside and sit down on the stairs, as I sigh. I think about everything that is going on. Why everything takes so much strength, why everything takes such a toll on myself.
The fact I have to start all over again, is at the top-position of my list. Accepting that I will have to work my way back to the point where I was and the first Feis is out of reach for me, is really a big problem.
The teacher even asked why I wouldn't be competing in the next Feis, but I really don't want to think about that now.
Something that adds up is just a lack of energy. Everyday it feels like the energy is just drained from my body without knowing how to stop it. Completely exhausted I plunge into my chair after a day of work and most of the time, I quickly fall asleep.
I'm empty. Tired. I want to give up. At the same time don't even want to think about giving up. But even so. Giving up. Peace. Quiet. Finding my energy again. Everything I do just pushes my body to its limits.
A final thought...
I reconsider everything. Trams make their way through the streets with great noise and cars push themselves through the narrow roads. After a final thought were all those people could be going, I decide to make the choice: Quit.
This decision hurts, but is inevitable. If the classes itself aren't the problem, than travelling to it, is. Travelling to it is tough, but the ride back home really turns my body into a pile of human flesh. I start to hate it because it's a long ride after such a heavy workout.
The day after, my muscles hurt like mad because of sitting down all the time.
Shoes gone. Thoughts away. Quit. What a mistake this was...
Once home, I'm gone, but also glad that I took a decision for now. Not one I took lightly, but one of utter necessity.
After a few hours, I open my bag. I take my heavies out. I open my closet and put them in there, as far away out of sight as possible. I don't even want to see them when I only open my closet.
For a brief moment, I even think about quitting forgood. What a mistake this proved to be...